listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I love having hate sex.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
