in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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