Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I could make wine with my vomit
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
