i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
