Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The air was thick with penises
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
