I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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