What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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