imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
