I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
