Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i came on her dog
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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