mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
