glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
