Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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