Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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