i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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