So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
