Your dad touched me again.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize