We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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