hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
