Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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