i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Is it penis luge time yet?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
