apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i think im in europe. pls send help
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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