Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Randomize
