alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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