You can't motorboat a personality
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
