Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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