There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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