Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
