My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
