every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She needs sedatives and a leash
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
