The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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