So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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