I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
