I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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