You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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