I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
