so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
