She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't deserve a penis
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
did i just pee glitter
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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