I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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