Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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