Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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