It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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