birth control should be required to get into college
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
