I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
