this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
