i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
