forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
