And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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