my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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