just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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