Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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