My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize