I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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