mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
