why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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