Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
