i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
