im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
