I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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